


On your mind

by chushane



Series: Jeremy needs therapy [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Homophobia, Hurt, I torture him in this, I'm Sorry, Internalized Homophobia, Jeremy Heere is sad, Jeremy is gay for Michael Mell, Manipulation, Nostalgia, Nothing too explicit, Other, Please Don't Hate Me, Sexual Content, part 2 will have a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:50:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26600149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chushane/pseuds/chushane
Summary: "Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the figure of the SQUIP changed. It got shorter, wider but with less broad shoulders. Its blue light turned red. Curiosity betraying him, Jeremy looked up. What he saw almost made him fall back.It was...it was Michael. Except it wasn’t. It looked like Michael, but it lacked the warmth and joy that came with him."orJeremy wants to see Michael again. The SQUIP transforms into Michael to prove a point.
Relationships: Jeremy Heere & Jeremy Heere's Squip
Series: Jeremy needs therapy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1935040
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	On your mind

Jeremy felt exhausted.

He threw his bag down on the floor next to his bed and plopped down onto the soft covers. His comfort was cut short by the sound of disapproving tisks ringing in his own mind.

“What now?!” he said, annoyed.

_You can´t talk to me like that. I am here to assist. I will not be treated with disrespect._

Jeremy flinched. Something about its tone reminded him of his mother. He shook away the thought.

_You need to get to work. The sooner you finish your schoolwork, the sooner we´ll have time to focus on more critical tasks._

Jeremy groaned but obliged. Sitting down at his desk, he reached for his bag, shuffling around it for his textbooks. Opening a drawer to his right to find a pen. He found old pins, paperclips, markers and highlighters. But not a pen. He made an exasperated noise reaching to the back of the drawer, almost fitting his whole arm in. What he felt instead was a small, slick piece of paper. He could feel the dust that clung to his fingers. His curiosity perked up. With how many things he just throws in this drawer, it might even be a lottery ticket. Taking it out, he used the hem of his shirt to wipe the dust off.  
It was a small polaroid picture. He faintly remembered one of Michael's moms used to own one. She used to take it around all the time and take pictures of Michael doing practically everything. She always said it's for her scrapbook. He remembered Michael always impatiently shuffling every time she went to take a picture.  
Jeremy saw two small boys smiling up at him. It was summer, not only evident from the sun shining but the fact that one of the boys looked ridiculously freckled. He had sandy hair, one of his arms was casually slung across the other boy's shoulders. The other had glasses with a blue frame; they hung crooked at the edge of his nose. His expression a grimace, squinting, trying to bear the sun piercing him through the eyes. He noticed both of them seemed disheveled, their hair rustled, their clothes wrinkled, and their arms and knees covered in tiny scratches. The freckled boy's knee was bleeding, and the blood was rolling down his leg. It didn't look like anyone noticed yet, not even him. He stared at it for a while. Trying to wrap his mind around the passage of time. This doesn't even feel so long ago. In fact, it feels like yesterday. He remembers Michales' moms taking them on trips where they'd chase each other around and play power rangers. For a moment, it seemed obvious as to why it didn't feel like that long ago. Even now, when Michael smiles at him or when they go to 7/11, only to end up sitting in a random park with slushies talking about everything and nothing. When he looks at Michael in those moments, he can still see that kid. The kid with blue framed glasses that wears band T's obviously too big on him. The same kid who he used to fight over who the best ninja turtle is. The same kid who sat with him while he was trying to cope with his mother leaving. Michael has just been...there. Always, and for so long. Pain shot through his chest. He hated...no, he was

scared

to admit it, but he really, really

**missed Michael.**

How long has it been since they last talked? He tried to recall, but couldn't. He reached for his phone, hoping to check his messages with Micha-

_What do you think you´re doing?_

Jeremy froze; he’d forgotten the SQUIP was there. Which seemed crazy, right? To forget something that is essentially a part of you. 

“Nothing... I’m just-I’m..”

_This is why it’s essential to have removed him from your life, Jeremy. He makes you distracted. He makes you focus on the past. Not the present or the future, but the things that are already gone. Do you wanna be stuck in the past, Jeremy?_

“No, I, I don’t.” He thought for a moment. “But Michael and me...it wasn’t always about the past...we talk about our future too. Planned it all out, college and apartments and-”

_You listened to 80s music, fed off of nostalgia. Stuck replaying the same level of a video game. Your relationship, Jeremy, it wasn’t going anywhere. You were just stuck reliving the same day with him over and over. That’s why you left, remember? To have a shot at something new._

The feeling of dread in Jeremy's stomach got worse. “But was it really necessary...to leave him, I mean. Y-you could’ve helped him too! We could have brought him along-”

_Michael?!, The SQUIP snickered, Jeremy, that boy is helpless. He gets high, barely takes school seriously, spends his time in a basement. Not to mention his homosexuali-_

“What does that have to do with anything?!” Jeremy yelled. The pain in his chest quickly being replaced by anger and protectiveness. 

_Jeremy, come on. Think of the popular people. Think of people with influence. It’s so much harder for a homosexual person to get into those positions. It would be a problematic flaw to work with-_

“Flaw?!” Jeremy stood up. Rage was building up inside of him; he felt like a bomb ready to explode.

 _Jeremy._ The SQUIP said, with a tone way too similar to the one Jeremy’s mother used when scolding him. _I’m gonna be perfectly honest with you.  
Michael needed to be removed from your life. Fixing him would be too much work without him buying a SQUIP of his own. _ Jeremy tried to interrupt, but the SQUIP shot him a look so cold it made him freeze in his tracks. _Before you start defending how he “doesn’t need to be fixed.”_ It said in a mocking tone. _Look at what’s happening right now. We’re wasting time just because he happened to be on your mind. And, let’s be real, Jeremy, he’s on your mind a lot._  
It finished with a smirk.

Jeremy felt his face going red; he decided to ignore it. Ignore all the stupid messy feelings involving Michael. He’s always done that. He looked away from the SQUIP, avoiding its eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He meant it to sound confident, but instead, it came out chocked and strangled. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the figure of the SQUIP change. It got shorter, wider but with less broad shoulders. Its blue light turned red. Curiosity betraying him, Jeremy looked up. What he saw almost made him fall back.

It was...it was Michael. Except it wasn’t. It looked like Michael, but it lacked the warmth and joy that came with him. Its eyes were like Michales but lacked shine and life. 

It...Michael smiled. It made Jeremy’s stomach twisted. It got closer and closer. Jeremy started stepping backward until he was practically sitting on the bed. It stood in front of him, taking one hand to push an invisible strand of hair behind Jeremy's ear. Jeremy could swear he felt the tiniest ghost of a touch. And it was cold.

“Hey there, Jere~” it’s laugh sounded so much like Michaels. Its voice- mimicking the way Michael sounded after smoking so perfectly, Jeremy felt his knees go weak. He felt fear rising in his lungs.

“Stop,” he said, barely above a whisper. It sounded so desperate and panicked.

“Stop what? I’m not doing anything,” its mouth broke into a wide grin.

“Stop...talking like him. Stop looking like him”

Michaels facial features twisted into confusion “What are you talking about?”, its hand cupped Jeremy's cheek “It IS me”  
“No, it’s no-“his sentence cut short when Michael placed one of his knees next to Jeremy's hip. Jeremy looked at the way Michael's thigh relaxed as he leaned onto it. He bounced up from the one leg still on the floor and placed it on the other side of Jeremy, straddling him. Jeremy **felt** the pressure of Mike´s body on his lap. It felt so real, it felt like he was there. His brain short-circuited. Michael's hands went to take Jeremy`s face. Then, slowly one of them dropped down tracing patterns onto Jeremy´s arm. Mike leaned in to whisper in his ear, “A little birdie told me you get distracted thinking of me.” Jeremy forgot how to breathe. It sounded so real, for a moment, he wondered if it was. But it couldn’t be. He couldn’t feel the breath on his neck, he didn’t feel the heat of Michales’ body, and he didn’t smell anything. It was a shame, Michael always smelled so nice-

“Aaand there it is-“Michael laughed in his ear. The hand tracing patterns in his arm made its way down to his hip. “Jere, tell me something” 

If Jeremy was sane, he would’ve asked for this to stop, he would tell it to turn off, he’d stop this madness. But an insane, selfish part of Jeremy desperately didn’t want this to end. Because it looked like Michael, and it acted like he’d wanted Michael to act for a long time. And real Michael would never, he gulped, feel this way towards him. He’d never...but this Michael. He couldn’t ruin anything with this Michael. It was fake, no feelings to be hurt and it just felt so real he could do-

“Anything,” Jeremy said in a shaky whisper. 

“What do you think of me?” Michael’s thumb ran circles on his hip, he leaned in closer to his ear. “How often? “The hand that was cupping his cheek went down to Jeremy's chest as if to push him down. Jeremy obeyed. Michael leaned down next to his ear again, this time even closer. So close Jeremy could practically feel his teeth biting at his ear. “What do you imagine?” The hand on his hip went down to press into his thigh. Jeremy gasped wetly. Looking down to see Michaels soft lips so close to his, Michael on him, Michael so close, Michael touching him in a place dangerously close to his-

He felt his jeans getting uncomfortable. His imagination was taking him places he shouldn’t be allowed to go to. “ **Umm ~~MAah ah~~** I-I’m not-I don’t-“

“Oh Jeremy, please,” Michaels, beautiful chocolate-colored eyes looked straight at him. “I’ve known you for 12 years. You really think I don’t notice” his hand moved closer up Jeremy's thigh “the way you stare” he chuckled “God, your eyes look almost hungry,” he said as he slowly pressed down on Jeremy's crotch. A moan pushed past Jeremy´s lips. He didn’t know how the SQUIP was doing this- making it seem so real and touchable, but it was driving him insane. He wanted to cling to Michael, to beg him for more, or hell, beg him for anything at all. But it was just the SQUIP, Jeremy wasn’t even sure if he could grab it. And that’s when it hit him. He looked up at it.

"I know everything about you, Jeremy. All your thoughts and desires and fantasies," it spoke. It still sounded like Michael, but the tone sounded much more artificial. "I know how many times you've been at my house while I'm taking a shower, wishing you could go in, take a small peak" It slowly got up and straddled him again. "How many times the thought of me wet and naked turned you on," it continued, "how many times you desperately touched yourself screaming for me." It caressed Jeremy's face. "It' pathetic, how much you want me." 

Jeremy whimpered.

"No, I think, I think the right word is _perverted_."

Jeremy felt his blood run cold. He felt shame envelop every part of his being. Suddenly all too aware of his boner and how uncomfortable it was. All too aware of his thoughts and all too aware that he just used a hologram the spitting image of his best friend in hopes of getting off. In horror, he realized,...the SQUIP was right. He scrambled to get up, to get away.

"I don't understand Jeremy. I don't understand how you'd ever think I'd be attracted to someone as disgusting as you." Jeremy felt tears prick at the edges of his eyes. It laughed again. "I mean, what did you expect?! That you'd confess your feelings, that I'd feel the same way and want you back?! Oh, yeah, I was just dying to find out my best friend fetishizes me for his own sexual fantasies. God, how are you not disgusted by yourself?!"

Tears were rolling down Jeremy's face faster than he could take a breath. He was hyperventilating. The edges of his vision turning black. He needed to get out of here, he needed to breathe, de needed to apologize. He doesn´t know how long he sat there crying, time didn´t feel real anymore.

_He's better off without you._

The cold, calculated voice felt like he was being grounded. He looked up to see the SQUIP, it's normal, Keanu looking self, standing next to the bed. 

_You only hurt him. It is better for everyone if the two of you are separated. You'd only manage to ruin everything in the end._

It took a long time for the tears to stop rolling down. It took a long time for him to calm down and get back to work. It took a short time to believe everything the SQUIP said.

He tried to get it off his mind. To not let the guilt swallow him whole. But internalizing it only made it worse, and the SQUIP knew how to use that against him. Whenever Jeremy didn´t want to do something, the SQUIP would use Michael's voice or appearance. It would make Jeremy feel trapped, it would make him feel vulnerable. He´d do whatever Michael said if it meant that somehow, it would make up for everything. If somehow, it meant not losing him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> This is the first ever fic I have ever written in my life + I wrote it at 2am so I hope I did a decent job lol
> 
> Feedback on what I can approve would be beyond welcome!!
> 
> I am planning on writing a part two so if this was too angsty for you, it will have a better ending :)


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